Today I am roughly 3 weeks, 6 days pregnant, I think. This baby is so very very wanted that I'm afraid to talk about it for fear that it will disappear. It isn't an irrational fear since it's happened twice before.
In July 2008 we gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl, Heidi Jean. Man that girl is the love of my life. So full of spirit and energy. So sassy and yet so sweet. On her first birthday we got a huge surprise. We were going to give her a little sibling. Heidi's pregnancy was textbook and I had no reason to believe that this pregnancy wouldn't be the same. Unfortunately (after having told everyone we knew about the pregnancy) within the first few weeks I started bleeding and miscarried our surprise, but much wanted, baby. The doctor didn't believe there was any reason to be concerned. Miscarriages are so common and we have one healthy child. We started trying again right away. We both wanted another baby so badly after losing "baby bee." We got pregnant again quickly, the second month of trying, I think. I felt so sick the entire time, which I took to be a good sign. We told only a handful of close friends and family this time, just in case, but I went in to my ultrasound at 7ish weeks expecting to see a little heartbeat and be able to shout the news from the rooftops. Unfortunately the ultrasound showed an empty uterus. Just a yolk sac and no developing baby. I was devastated. We decided to take a few months off of trying to conceive to emotionally rebuild.
We started trying to conceive again in June of 2010, expecting a quick positive pregnancy test, since we'd already conceived three times quite easily. Month-after-month the tests came back negative. Eventually I switched doctors and was then referred to a specialist to help us problem-solve. They took loads of blood, but found only a low (or high, I can't remember) Protein C, which is easily remedied with Aspirin. So I started taking my daily tonic of aspirin, folic acid, fish oil, and a multi-vitamin. More months went by. I knew I was ovulating (I'd even seen the beautiful follicles on ultrasound) and I knew we were timing everything right, but it just wasn't happening. Eventually the doctor said that the next step was to have Josh have a semen analysis done, even though we'd been pregnant three times so we really didn't think that was the issue. His first analysis everything came back low. Everything. We were both devastated again. Nonetheless, the results just didn't seem right. We decided to redo the test, knowing that the specialist would probably have him redo it anyway. The second test, everything came back within normal limits. That was last month.
Since we started trying again 13 months ago, there've been so many cycles that I've thought "this is the one." I've had heartburn and nausea (dry heaves even), moodiness, broken out skin. I've had it all. This month, I didn't have any hope. I haven't tested in months because it's just too disheartening to see that single line. Nevertheless, this morning, I had Heidi hand me a test out of the cupboard. I peed into the cup and dropped the droplets into the circle. I was chatting with Heidi about our day.
And then I looked over and saw it. A second line. It was almost beyond my comprehension. The first day of knowing that you are pregnant, that you are growing a little human, that day is such a mixture of feelings. I'm so excited. Over-the-moon excited and thrilled. I'm nervous about how our family will change and how I'll handle being a mom of two. And I'm terrified. I'm terrified of losing this baby.
We are planning on stopping after two children and I really want to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, so I'm starting here.
Little one, I love you so much. I cannot wait to meet you in April. I can't wait to introduce you to your big sister. I am so excited to be your mom.
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