There is a fine line

Between feeling lovely little baby flutters and kicks. And feeling like a living punching bag.

I am desperately hoping that Forrest's activity level in the womb is not an indicator of what his activity level will be like outside of the womb. Or I may never sleep again.

At 32 weeks...

I have reached the point in my pregnancy where I have to yell for help if I sit down on the floor because I can't figure out how to get up.

I have reached the point where I'm straining to reach my feet to put socks on (and so thankful for slip-on shoes).

I have reached the point where when I drop something on the floor I think "hmm...maybe someone else will pick it up later."

I have reached the point where even with conscious effort, I can't eliminate all of the waddle.

I have reached the point where "rolling" becomes a legitimate method of mobility/getting up/switching positions.

Diabetes?

So, I failed my 1-hour glucose test. Then I went and failed the 3-hour glucose test.

I'm not gonna lie. I had about a week of devastation (possibly an over-reaction on my part). I had no idea what I could eat, so I tried to cut out all carbs, which left me starving, which made me even more depressed. I pictured lots of worse-case scenarios--Forrest being a 10 lb baby, which led to a c-section, then having problems after he was here and me having problems--it just went on-and-on.

Luckily, yesterday I met with the diabetes educator who reassured me that I can actually eat carbs (and should) and I swear, just getting some more "sugar" in my system has made the craziness go away (and seem very crazy in hindsight). I'm still off the big stuff--the Mountain Dew, the ice cream, most desserts. But I don't feel like I'm going to die of deprivation anymore. So that's good.

And so far, after 1.5 days of testing, my blood sugars have all been just fine. Fluke or no fluke. I guess in the end at least I'm eating better, which is good news for both Forrest and myself.

And I get another ultrasound, and that's never bad ;)

Love is hard

I am madly in love with my son.

I cannot wait to meet him and hold him and hear what he sounds like.

But it's so hard loving someone else this much.

It's so hard to try to do everything you can for this little person.

And feel like it just won't be enough.

It's so hard to have to worry about all of the "what ifs."

To be terrified that something is going to go wrong.

I know I need to just have faith and do my best and pray that it'll all work out the way it's supposed to.

But I just can't. Not until he's here. And safe.

Parenting is the hardest and most amazing thing ever. From the very first minute.

Pressure

Parenting is kind of like living in a pressure cooker or under a microscope or as part of an olympic competition. There's just a lot of pressure and a lot of competition. From the get-go. From the first day of pregnancy you start thinking about those pregnant women that run marathons at 36 weeks along. You start thinking about those women that just "glow" and love every second of being pregnant. About half-way through the pregnancy you start analyzing how much weight you've gained and wondering how that compares to your friends and coworkers that have had babies. If you're like me, you start out the pregnancy really gung-ho--this time you're going to eat really healthy, cut out all the junk, cut out caffeine, exercise and stay in good shape the entire time. And then you reach about 6 weeks and start feeling miserable. And suddenly, you really could care less if you ever see another vegetable and those perky pregnant women on the workout DVDs make you want to go crawl in bed and pull the blanket over your head.

Add in the hormones. It's just a mess. You wind up feeling like a massive failure before you even hold the kid in your arms. I'm having a little failure pity party today. Tomorrow will be better.

Note to self

Prenatal workouts are a lot harder when you haven't worked out in 3 months and you're 6.5 months pregnant than they are when you are in good shape and only 3.5 months pregnant.

Things I will miss

With 11 weeks to go in what will very likely be the last pregnancy I will ever experience...a few things that I will miss:

Feeling him move inside of me.
Having him all to myself.
The anticipation of wondering what he will be like.
Having a conversation topic with complete strangers.
Baby hiccups.
Not feeling guilty when we stop for ice cream.
Emails comparing my baby's size to random vegetables.
Seeing him on ultrasounds.
Hearing his heartbeat.