The definition of parenting...

It seems to me that parenting is synonymous with worry. I'm not a worrier in my normal life. But something about having this little person completely dependent on me for survival lends itself well to paranoia and worries and fears and frets.

Things I worry about as a new parent (even the second time around)...

• Is my breastmilk making his tummy hurt? Am I burping him well enough? How much poop is too much? Is he grunting because he's miserable?
• Will he get a flat head from laying in one place too often?
• Is it normal for him to cough/gag when he's drinking? What if he does it when he's sleeping?
• Am I talking to him/engaging him enough for his little brain to develop?
• Is he running a fever or just warm from snuggling?
• Am I making enough milk for him? Am I pumping enough to build a stash for when I go back to work? Am I eating/drinking enough to maintain good supply?
• Is his belly firm because of a tumor? 
• Is he too hot when he sleeps? Is he too cold when he sleeps?
• Will he have problems due to his "heart-shaped" tongue? 
• Are his diapers rubbing on his legs too tightly? Are his carseat straps rubbing on him too harshly?
• Is he napping too long? Is he not napping enough?
• Is he overdressed? Is he underdressed?
• ...
• ...

Sigh. It's like that quote...parenting is definitely letting your heart live outside your body. 

One Month

My name is Forrest and I am one month old. I have just started smiling, but save most of my smiles for Daddy. I love to be held and I love looking out windows. I will play in my bouncy chair for a little while so Mom can shower or make dinner, but don't leave me too long. I love getting big sister kisses and get lots of them throughout the day. I'm not a big fan of getting baths or getting my diaper changed, though I do like to stare at my whale on my changing table. I'm finally big enough for 0-3 month clothes and for my awesome cloth diapers! Mom is so excited to not have to buy diapers anymore. I'm still waking up lots at night--some nights it's every 1-2 hours, which makes Mom and Dad kind of grumpy. I usually take one nice long nap in my crib around lunchtime, and if we go anywhere, I'm almost guaranteed to sleep in my carseat the entire time. I've just started cooing and making happy noises. I'm entranced by the shower curtain in my bathroom. I'm a good eater and have had one bottle so far, but usually Mommy feeds me and I still like to eat often throughout the day. I am ONE month old!

"Life" with a newborn

Forrest turned 1 month old yesterday. I had a mini-meltdown. Not because he's growing so fast (which he is) and not because I'll never have this stage again (I won't, but I won't miss it).

I had a mini-meltdown because the fact that Forrest is 1 month old means that it's been over a month since I have had any time for myself that hasn't been delegated to sleeping, showering, or pumping. I am so thankful that I've been able to nurse my son, but the truth is, breastfed babies are very needy. And their needs can only be filled by the Mama. So even though there have been many moments in the last month that I've wanted to hand him off to my husband and run screaming out the door, that's just not an option.

I cannot wrap my head around people that love the newborn stage. I feel kind of crap-parent putting this down in writing and my, oh my, how I adore my son and would do anything for him. But I look forward to the fun ages, when he starts to be mobile and interact more with us. When he isn't 100% dependent on me to meet all of his needs. When my entire life doesn't revolve around which child needs something from me at this moment.

It won't be like this for long.