The definition of parenting...

It seems to me that parenting is synonymous with worry. I'm not a worrier in my normal life. But something about having this little person completely dependent on me for survival lends itself well to paranoia and worries and fears and frets.

Things I worry about as a new parent (even the second time around)...

• Is my breastmilk making his tummy hurt? Am I burping him well enough? How much poop is too much? Is he grunting because he's miserable?
• Will he get a flat head from laying in one place too often?
• Is it normal for him to cough/gag when he's drinking? What if he does it when he's sleeping?
• Am I talking to him/engaging him enough for his little brain to develop?
• Is he running a fever or just warm from snuggling?
• Am I making enough milk for him? Am I pumping enough to build a stash for when I go back to work? Am I eating/drinking enough to maintain good supply?
• Is his belly firm because of a tumor? 
• Is he too hot when he sleeps? Is he too cold when he sleeps?
• Will he have problems due to his "heart-shaped" tongue? 
• Are his diapers rubbing on his legs too tightly? Are his carseat straps rubbing on him too harshly?
• Is he napping too long? Is he not napping enough?
• Is he overdressed? Is he underdressed?
• ...
• ...

Sigh. It's like that quote...parenting is definitely letting your heart live outside your body. 

One Month

My name is Forrest and I am one month old. I have just started smiling, but save most of my smiles for Daddy. I love to be held and I love looking out windows. I will play in my bouncy chair for a little while so Mom can shower or make dinner, but don't leave me too long. I love getting big sister kisses and get lots of them throughout the day. I'm not a big fan of getting baths or getting my diaper changed, though I do like to stare at my whale on my changing table. I'm finally big enough for 0-3 month clothes and for my awesome cloth diapers! Mom is so excited to not have to buy diapers anymore. I'm still waking up lots at night--some nights it's every 1-2 hours, which makes Mom and Dad kind of grumpy. I usually take one nice long nap in my crib around lunchtime, and if we go anywhere, I'm almost guaranteed to sleep in my carseat the entire time. I've just started cooing and making happy noises. I'm entranced by the shower curtain in my bathroom. I'm a good eater and have had one bottle so far, but usually Mommy feeds me and I still like to eat often throughout the day. I am ONE month old!

"Life" with a newborn

Forrest turned 1 month old yesterday. I had a mini-meltdown. Not because he's growing so fast (which he is) and not because I'll never have this stage again (I won't, but I won't miss it).

I had a mini-meltdown because the fact that Forrest is 1 month old means that it's been over a month since I have had any time for myself that hasn't been delegated to sleeping, showering, or pumping. I am so thankful that I've been able to nurse my son, but the truth is, breastfed babies are very needy. And their needs can only be filled by the Mama. So even though there have been many moments in the last month that I've wanted to hand him off to my husband and run screaming out the door, that's just not an option.

I cannot wrap my head around people that love the newborn stage. I feel kind of crap-parent putting this down in writing and my, oh my, how I adore my son and would do anything for him. But I look forward to the fun ages, when he starts to be mobile and interact more with us. When he isn't 100% dependent on me to meet all of his needs. When my entire life doesn't revolve around which child needs something from me at this moment.

It won't be like this for long.

Middle Name

Inspired by this little guy.

My sweet nephew Keagen who touched so many lives in the short time before he became an angel. It's been almost three years, but still seems like yesterday.

 I can't help but think that Forrest's mellow temperament is the little part of Keagen that lives in him.

When he's ready, he's ready!

Forrest Keagen has arrived! And he made sure that his arrival was worth talking about.

Tuesday, April 3rd came and I was at work, as usual. I was frustrated because I'd been so sure that he was coming early and here we were on the day before his due date and he appeared to be sitting cozy. I had been having contractions for weeks and knew they were doing something as I'd been dilated to 3 cms at my 39 week appointment. We were just ready!

I got home from work Tuesday night and we did our typical things: dinner, bath, watched The Biggest Loser, and went to bed. I didn't even go for a walk I was so disheartened feeling like he was never coming (I did bounce on the yoga ball as I watched TBL).

I went to bed around 9:30, all ready to go to work again the next day and hear all of the "you're still here!?!" comments again. I even ironed my khaki pants that I was going to wear the next day.

Around 10:30, Josh came in to bed. I'm not sure if he woke me or if it was just a coincidence, but I woke up then and felt a weird sensation. I got up and went to the bathroom and sat there debating about whether or not my water had broken. I went back in the bedroom and told Josh that I couldn't decide if my water had broken (he nearly leaped out of bed, until I assured him that he could sleep for a while). I went out in the livingroom for a few minutes and checked Facebook. Almost immediately I could feel contractions coming around my back and belly. They felt different already from the ones I'd been having, so I went back in the bedroom and told Josh that, indeed, I thought my water had broken and maybe he should call his dad who was going to come stay with Heidi when we left for the hospital.

Of course, his parents wouldn't answer their phone. He tried a few times as I walked around packing last minute things and talking to my friend Meagon on the phone. The contractions were pretty close together (2-3 minutes) from the get-go and by 11:30 I was feeling ready to head in, and thankfully Josh was able to get ahold of FIL this time when he called. Around 11:45 FIL arrived at our house and Josh and I set off for the hospital. I had had a couple of more difficult contractions at home, but as soon as we were in the car, they were unbearable. I don't remember a lot of the drive, but Josh says there was some cussing and some yelling. I do remember being stopped at a red light in town and telling him to "just go" when we got to a 4-way stop.

Around 12:15am we pulled into the ER and I stood by the car in agony waiting for a contraction to pass before I could walk in. We had to be buzzed through and I yelled my name to the lady who asked who was checking in. They figured out correctly that I was heading up to the Birth Center. I refused the wheelchair, naively believing that sitting in the car was what was making the contractions so painful. We went up the elevator and navigated through the second floor to the birth center (passing a couple of concerned-looking nurses on the way).

Finally we got to our room and the nurse, Erin, asked me to get into the gown and lay down to get checked. I was at 8cms she said. She went to get the bands that monitor baby's heartbeat and the contractions, but before she could get them on I told her that I felt like I had to push. Josh looked down, she looked down, and she said "yes, you do" and before I even could push, he was coming out. They told me to push one time and he was all the way out. At 12:23am Forrest made his arrival.

He didn't wait for the doctor on call that night (Dr. Fast, coincidentally). He didn't wait for the bed to be taken apart or for the birth cart to be brought in. He didn't even wait for Erin to put her gloves on. Thankfully, he waited just long enough for us to get to the hospital. Josh and I can't help but think of the "what-ifs," like what if FIL wouldn't have answered the phone that last time? Or what if we'd gotten pulled over or hit another couple of red lights?

Less than 2 hours from the time I woke up, my baby boy was in my arms. He is perfect, healthy, and amazing. It was a whirlwind for sure and I am still in disbelief of how it all went down. Fast and furious Forrest.

Tease

I know there are probably many people that are thinking to themselves "why's this girl so impatient, it isn't even her due date yet."

Probably because having contractions that start and stop for like 10 days straight is annoying. Hopes go up. Hopes go down. Seriously boy, just make up your mind!

On impatience and dates

I'm not known for my patience. In general or in pregnancy.

I just had this "feeling" that Forrest was going to be a March baby. That he was going to be early, maybe by a couple of weeks. I was worried about it for some time. Then last week I got super-impatient and anxious to meet him. I'd finished up the things I really wanted to get done at work before I left. We were all ready. I was getting lots of the "you're still here!?!" comments. I was having lots of contractions which made me hopeful.

And so it's now April and he's still sitting pretty. And I'm okay with that. He actually has a most awesome due date and it would be so cool if he waited to come until then.

His due date is 4-4-2012. His Great-Grandmother's birthday is 4-4-1924. How neat would it be for Forrest to be exactly 88 years younger than Nanny? The thought of it is keeping me nice and calm right now.

Of course, come Thursday of this week I'm going to be really impatient again.